You know that scene in Crazy Stupid Love when the Mum says ‘I’m 44, it’s so much older than I thought I would be!’ Yeah that’s been me this week. As you are reading this I am waking up to the realisation I am now a 30 year old woman (happy birthday to me!) Because you can be a 20-something girl but once you hit the big 3-0 you are definitely a fully fledged grown up!
The problem with turning 30 is, I don’t feel 30. I definitely don’t look 30 either (thanks for the good genes Mum!) but I really mean mentally, mentally I don’t feel like a fully grown woman. I think it stems from when I had a breakdown. Having one in your mid-twenties means by the time you start to heal from all the upset and trauma, you have missed a big chunk of ‘the years’. The ones that are meant to be about ‘finding yourself’ and ‘seeing the world’. I spent mine in therapy, on pretty strong medication and if we are being completely real…asleep.
So what now? I am at an age where I genuinely thought I would be married with kids. I never wanted to be what I considered an old mum. Being the youngest I was always painfully aware that my Mum thought 30 was too old for having a baby (I was late and should have been born when she was still 29!). In my darkest moments I wonder if I missed my chance for a family of my own. I am nowhere near ‘healed’ from what has now been 3 major breakdowns and I can’t imagine how long it’ll be before I feel ready to date again.
When you are in your 20’s you don’t have to over think things too much. When you are debating major life decisions the general response from people is ‘just enjoy yourself, you are only young once!’. But when you edge towards the big 3-0 people start to drop those hints. ‘Ah you’d make a lovely Mum’, ‘oh your Mum is getting broody you better make her a grandma soon!’ ‘when will you be settling down then?’ These are the same people who where telling you to not get tied down not 24 months before!
I’ve made some big decisions in the lead up to the big birthday. I have been dealing with PTSD and depression for about 3-4 years now and have always treated it with kid gloves. I’ve decided to get a bit tougher with it and go back to CBT therapy, with a slightly more open mind than last time.
I’m going to start putting myself first too. When you lose confidence in yourself people can definitely take advantage of you. I don’t think it’s always intentional but it’s something I have experienced and it really hinders your recovery. I am someone who likes a game plan, I like structure and I hate change. But I wonder if that’s me or the illness talking. When you’ve had long term depression it can be hard to know if it’s a real opinion or feeling or it’s the depression talking.
I am going to spend some time getting to know myself again. Taking care of myself and re-discovering what I like and what I don’t. I am going to sleep properly and soundly and give myself some slack when I need that afternoon nap. I am going to start getting my nails done again, and whacking the foot spa out once a week. Just little things that depression can make you feel you don’t deserve.
So my thoughts on turning 30: I’m not quite where I thought I would be at this age, and you know what? That sucks. But I am finally starting to move forward after a horrendous few years and for now, that is good enough for me.
So here’s to me, turning 30 and
fabulous getting there!
I had the pleasure of reading some amazing blog posts on the whole ‘thoughts on turning 30’ journey and they really inspired me, it’s amazing to see different points of view on the big 3-0. Here are some links if you fancy reading some of them!