(source)
I really wanted to share a little bit more about myself today so I hope you won’t mind a rambly post too much! I started this blog as a beauty blog but it very quickly evolved into a lifestyle one, somewhere I can share pretty much anything and everything I’m loving/hating and to this day I still get the same buzz from posting (and the same butterflies when I get a comment!)
(apologies for spelling/grammar errors I like to just write these posts as I think them and not go over them again)
I have spoken before about being a survivor of child abuse (here and here), it’s something I believe in talking about because I held the secret inside for so long and I never want to go back to that dark place. That being said a lot has changed since my last two updates, primarily I am starting to really make some progress in my mental health recovery. As a quick ‘catch up’, I was a victim of child abuse from around 4 years old, this is something I hid away until a few years ago when a bad experience with a guy in a club led to it all coming out, it wasn’t something I planned to talk about to anyone ever, but I believe everything happens for a reason and it was obviously the right time (if there is a right time to have a breakdown?!)
Having a break-down is a very strange experience- in all honesty I barely remember massive chunks of the past few years- that’s another reason why I’m happy I blog, I can read the posts back and see how much progress I’ve made! All I can really compare it to is that feeling when your just about to nod off- a calm almost numb feeling. Feeling inspired at all to do anything (even shower- how glamorous for a beauty blogger!) was very challenging and simple things like listening to music was just way to hard for me, I literally couldn’t hear any music without feeling distressed.
Another delightful ‘side-effect’ was (and still is anxiety) I know I know, another blogger with anxiety, I know that there is a fair few comments online about it being the new ‘in’ thing but I promise you theres nothing fashionable about it! To give you some context of my anxiety I haven’t spent time alone outside of my house for 2 years, don’t get me wrong I go out and about but I haven’t physically spent the whole day on my own outside of my home by myself. When I first had my breakdown I couldn’t even leave the house alone, for about a year I couldn’t go anywhere alone- even being left in a shop was distressing.
I tried to power through and make myself do things but to be honest that doesn’t work with anxiety. Case in point I went to a meetup for bloggers and had the biggest panic attack of my life! It’s funny to look back on now because no one had any clue at the event but I excused myself to go to the toilet and thought I was having a heart attack- I sweated ever single scrap of makeup off including the false lashes that had been applied at the event *cringe* and even my false nails came off! I had to sit in the loo for about 15 minutes with my hands under the cold tap and my whole body in complete melt down mode!
After that I made a concious decision to get some more help from the doctor, I was taking a cocktail of anti-depressant pills but the doctor also prescribed me anti-anxiety medication and a visit to the mental health hospital for a proper evaluation. I was diagnosed with PTSD and to be honest I could have gone down the therapy route but I decided not too- I went to a few sessions and found it as horrific as the abuse itself. I made a decision to ‘close the door’ so to speak, not to lock away what’s happened, just to close the door on it and start building myself some sort of future,
When people say abuse doesn’t define you they are lying, it totally defines your personality, your moods, your life-choices but I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. Do I wish it hadn’t happened to me? Of course I do, every single minute of every single day! But it’s made me a very compassionate person, someone who loves fiercely and never ‘settles’ in life. I hope that means that one day I will meet someone who can love me completely and I can have a family of my own. Up until about 2 months ago I never believed that could ever happen for me.
I have built up a good friendship with my Doctor and I was telling her about my plans for the future- I want to start spoiling myself, all the years of abuse and trauma have left me with a pretty knackered mind and body! I have fluctuated in weight from a size 6 to a size 18 and am somewhere around a 14 now. My body is a bit of a maze of stretch marks and scarring and even though my Dad says I still look about 16 I can see the frown lines and the toll these past few years have taken on my face! I have made the concious decision to start healing my mind and body through healthy eating, exercise and by learning more about the things I enjoy doing!
I was thinking about doing a sort of monthly catch-up on my healthy eating and lifestyle changes, I’ve been doing this since about January and it’s a life change not a quick fix so I am in it for the long haul so to speak! I want to chat about all the things we pretend we don’t have, stretch marks, cellulite, wrinkles, problem skin, ‘down days’ etc etc etc and share with you how I tackle them and what I have found that works and what doesn’t! Is it something you’d be interested in?
I know beauty/lifestyle bloggers rarely show anything that isn’t perfect but lets be real, life isn’t perfect and my thighs definitely aren’t! I do think sometimes the blogging world can make you feel completely crap- everyone is off to glamorous events and have beautiful bodies and perfect skin and it can really make you feel like the unpopular kid at school! Let me know what you think about that sort of thing being included- even if it’s that you don’t really like the sound of it, I’d love to know what your thoughts are!
Any-hoo if you’ve made it this far I am sending you virtual hugs and cupcakes and I just want to thank you for taking the time to read my posts, when I first talked about abuse on here the comments I got meant more to me then you could ever imagine, they gave me hope when I truly thought all hope was gone.
All my love
p.s: in 2014 I’ve successfully:
sat in a cafe on my own on more than one occasion!
gone shopping on my own (after meeting someone in town)
got the bus on my own and the train to london on my own
met friends for drinks and come home on my own
I know how small those things sound but to me they mean…a lot. small steps 🙂
I would love to read a monthly catch up of how you’re doing. I think its a great idea to talk about things that usually get hidden. It’s good to read how other people tackle problems we all have.
I loved this post btw. It was beautifully written and if there was any grammar/spelling mistakes I didn’t notice because I was completely hooked by what you were saying.
I’m going to read your previous personal posts now!
Kristina xx
thank you so much hun, it really means so much to me and I think I will definitely be doing a monthly catch up :))) xx
I would love to read a monthly catch up of how you’re doing. I think its a great idea to talk about things that usually get hidden. It’s good to read how other people tackle problems we all have.
I loved this post btw. It was beautifully written and if there was any grammar/spelling mistakes I didn’t notice because I was completely hooked by what you were saying.
I’m going to read your previous personal posts now!
It sounds like you’re making unbelievable progress, even if they might seem like baby steps. Keep going. You’re so brave to put this out there and I wish you all the best.
It sounds like you’re making unbelievable progress, even if they might seem like baby steps. Keep going. You’re so brave to put this out there and I wish you all the best.
thank you so much- it feels like very very tiny baby steps but comments like these really help 🙂 xxx
The fact that you can write this down just shows how much progress you’ve made, and I am so happy for you that you can share it with us! This will definitely help other people, and I definitely think you should do update posts! It’ll be a great way for you to see how greatly you’ve improved 🙂
thank you so much hun, it really means so much to me and I think I will definitely be doing a monthly catch up :))) xx
I’m so sorry hun, if you ever need someone to talk to then please email me 🙂 thank-you for your kind words too xxxx
thank you so much- it feels like very very tiny baby steps but comments like these really help 🙂 xxx
thank you hun, means so much to me to get such lovely feedback :))) xxx
I’m so sorry hun, if you ever need someone to talk to then please email me 🙂 thank-you for your kind words too xxxx
thank you hun, means so much to me to get such lovely feedback :))) xxx