Child Abuse: My Story

I have thought long and hard about posting this, but as this is my little space on the Internet I figured I would use that space to talk about something that is very serious. Child abuse. Yes I know it’s not something anyone wants to talk about or think about. The very thought of it would make any normal person feel disgust, anger, maybe even devastation, but the fact is you may very well know someone who is a victim of child abuse. Indeed you may be one yourself. I can tell you one thing, the most overriding feeling for a victim of child abuse is shame. Shame that this has happened to them, shame that no one noticed or worse that they did and didn’t think they were worth protecting. It changes your whole life and affects you in ways you cannot even imagine. How do I know? Well I am a victim of child abuse. Scary stuff to talk about on what is basically a beauty blog but something I needed to do. I have watched (as I am sure most of you have) the news about Jimmy Saville and a fair few as yet unnamed BBC employees, NHS workers and god knows who else who have been involved in the acts of child abuse, covering up these acts and in some cases punishing the victims for speaking out. I cannot imagine how these people have managed to survive this horrific abuse.

 My own experiences which I won’t dwell on have caused me untold pain. I have been very fortunate to have two angels by my side through my recovery. My parents. I cannot put into words what they have done for me, they brought me back to life, consoled me when I was inconsolable and let me scream and shout when the rage I felt was too much to bare. Am I better now? In a word no. I never will be, because when someone abuses you, you are changed forever. Some days are really good for me, some days are really bad. I have nightmares, I have panic attacks and I have long accepted it will be very hard for me to trust a man enough to let him into my life. But this is who I am, as horrible as it is I am not defined by it. I know that sounds super cheesy but it is true. It is part of who I am, it has changed the way I think and the way I trust but it won’t change the person that I am. I wanted to share this with you because a lot of people have been judging the ‘Jimmy Saville’ victims for suing the NHS (if this is indeed the case). 

I have read lots of things about how ‘it always comes down to money’ and further comments which if I am honest have horrified me. Worst of all people have questioned why they have come forward now he is dead. To those people I ask you to think before you make such comments. The power an abuser holds over you is unimaginable. The power my abuser holds over me now at 26 is the same as when I was a child. It never leaves you and it never feels ‘less’ because time has moved on. With sexual abuse there are many many complexities. One thing I have found since I have told my parents last year (the only people except for a few trusted friends) is that this last year has been the toughest year of my whole life. I feel like I have literally become a new person, people who knew me 2 years ago would most likely have described me as quite confrontational, quite needy and quite aggressive. That makes me so sad because I am in fact none of those things, I let the abuse rule my life for too long and it made me a person I didn’t want to be. 

Now that I have taken the steps to rebuild my life I have found qualities I never knew I had, I am extremely patient, I cry over anything sad and I (and trust me this is something no one who knows me would ever believe!) have made quite a bond with a tabby cat who has taken a bit of a shine to me too. Silly things that are normal to most people but these things are all new to me. Everyday I am learning a bit more about myself, things like the way I dress, the makeup I use, the way my hair is styled, my diet and lifestyle..they have all drastically changed. Do you know what that has meant? Money. It takes a lot of money to reinvent yourself as the person you were born to be but never got the chance to be. It takes a lot of trial and error to get it right, it takes patience and above all it takes perseverance. That is why I don’t begrudge these victims one single penny. Practically speaking, they will need it for the journey they are about to take, if nothing more they will more than likely be using private therapists as they have been so disgracefully let down by the health care system. This isn’t free and this shouldn’t be scrimped on, they have been through something that you can only imagine in your worst nightmares, and I promise you the nightmares wouldn’t even come close.

Please feel free to contact me at carlottasbeautyspot@hotmail.co.uk if you have any questions or need any help or support. I am not a therapist but I am always happy to do whatever I can to help.