Blogging Truths and a Mental Health Break

Blogging Truths and a Mental Health Break

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I needed to share this so I hope you don’t mind these sorts of posts. I have sadly hit a wall with my mental health. Coming off of my medication in an attempt to start a healing process without tablets has been a lot more difficult than I ever anticipated and last night things came to a head and without going into a lot of detail I was in a very bad place. If I’m honest I am still there and feeling sick to my stomach, totally terrified and really really anxious (I mean heart pumping out of my chest anxious- I actually thought I was having a heart attack last night)

I feel a bit like I have fallen off the wagon, I take this whole getting ‘over’ mental health problems too  heart and being a perfectionist is can make me feel like such a failure to have a sort of ‘relapse’ like this when I thought I was doing so well. Last night actually frightened me, it’s the first time I’ve felt completely out of control, like someone could have put a gun to my head and I wouldn’t have care at all. I am afraid, afraid I will never feel ‘normal’ or be capable of being loved or even being able to love someone else, I’m afraid I have wasted most of my life denying the trauma I have been through and now life is passing me by and some sort of punishment. Mostly I am afraid that I have let everyone around me down by not being stronger and getting through this.

Right now I am struggling with the idea I have just wasted a lot of money on a holiday I can’t even go on, along with the fact I’ve ruined 2 other peoples vacation too. I was actually meant to be going on a lovely holiday to

Las Vegas in a few weeks, it is all booked and paid for and I was really looking forward to it but as the days have got closer I have gone beyond ‘nervous’ about visiting a new place, I have been in a full scale panic, I can’t sleep, my stomach won’t settle and I have night terrors and sweats constantly. It would be a total of 6 plane rides as we would be stopping en route and visiting another city mid break and I just had to accept today that I can’t do this. I feel like the biggest arsehole on earth, an amazing trip planned- something that most people could only dream of and I’ve had to call and cancel and barely recover half the cost. Sometimes I can’t recognise the person I have become, timid and nervous- unable to interact with people properly, afraid to travel or be out of my house (this coming from a tourism graduate!) and I think that has shown in my blog. I advertised with Sprinkle of Glitter last month and she writes a little bio of each blog that does this on a post, under mine it said I had a ‘classic beauty blog’, a compliment to some people but it felt like a massive blow to me, I’ve let my blog go just like I’ve let myself go. It has become a manifestation of me, generic, bland and anonymous. (Just to be clear Louise is an absolute sweetheart and meant that in the nicest way but for me it was a wakeup call)

How can I talk about interesting things when right now I am not interested in anything other than crying and sleeping and then bingeing on crap before repeating the cycle again and again, night after night. Sleeping btw all day as I have chronic insomnia and can go days and nights without sleep at all before passing out at lunchtime for over 18 hours to repeat the process again. All in all I think it’s safe to say I’ve fallen off the healthy body healthy mind wagon and need some help. I have arranged an appointment with my Doctor and it fills me with shame that I’ve barely lasted a few months off the pills without having another break. Part of the reason I came off of them is because I gained a very large amount of weight (a common side effect) shallow? Maybe, but it was something that made me feel even worse about myself, as someone who has been sexually abused my relationship with my body is very complex and the way my body looked and felt (and still does) has had a damaging effect on my mental health, I feel like it isn’t mine, it’s alien to me,  dirty and disgusting- a lot of the same thoughts I had after being abused.

I don’t know what the future of this blog is and tbh right now I don’t know how I will make it through this week. I do know it’s not the end for Ever in May though, it has been my one constant through all the trauma, the one thing I can escape to and call my own. I do think it’s the end of a ‘classic beauty blog’ though. I want to write about things I love (this still includes beauty though!), I want to experience things and enjoy life again and share that with you all. I just need some time to work out what those things are and to get myself to a ‘good place’ again.

I should say I have been diagnosed with PTSD along with severe anxiety, since coming off my medication I have been having bouts of mania, not remembering things like ordering hundreds of pounds worth of clothes online and feeling in myself that level beyond hyper or excited, I can feel that I am out of control and overly hyper and erratic but I can’t pull myself back. When this passes it’s replaced like a massive smack in the face with a crashing low, hours and hours of sobbing uncontrollably, wailing like a banshee and having screaming fits and terrible fits of rage (which are scary for both myself and the people around me) All the crying has left me with swollen irritated eyes, stonking headaches and racing thoughts which stop me sleeping or concentrating. My skin and nails are suffering, my body is tired and achey all the time, it truth I feel broken. Writing this has been really difficult, I’ve always found writing to be as easy for me as when an artist picks up a brush, that’s not bragging it just feels natural for me to write, but now I feel distracted, unsure of what word is coming next- it’s so frustrating!

I’m drawing a blank of how to finish this off so I will just say, I would really appreciate your support and hope you can understand why I needed to share. I haven’t planned to have a ‘break’ from the blog, I might feel like blogging tomorrow it might be six months from now. I am just going to go ahead and work on myself for a little bit and see where life takes me.

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10 Comments

  1. Samantha
    13/06/2015 / 9:40 am

    Oh this all sounds so familiar. I came off my medication a couple of years back and fell pregnant a few months after. Since having Scout I’ve been in a really bad place. I don’t know if it’s post natal on top of my regular depression, but it doesn’t feel good. I’ll be going to onto my meds soon if I can’t pull myself out of it. It’s hard. Really hard. Just know that you aren’t alone. I feel that a lot. So many people talk about mental health at the minute, but it doesn’t help with feeling like you are a very small fish in a mighty large sea of worry.

    Stay strong, lovely. I’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel. It does exist. I promise.

  2. Tilly
    13/06/2015 / 1:50 pm

    Charlotte, what you have written today is incredibly brave. As low as you are feeling, you have at least made steps in the right direction – making an appointment. I myself have not suffered from mental illness but several of those closest to me have and I have seen the self destructive power that it holds over them. I can see that although it never fully leaves the person, they have all found ways of coping in their own ways. Whilst my affected loved ones did try the medication route, it was therapy that truly helped them and having a strong support network around them. Don’t give up on yourself, there will be a way out of this and talking on here might be helpful – everyone needs a focus. I haven’t suffered as you have but I can listen and if you ever need to chat, come find me.

    Sending a huge hug!

  3. 13/06/2015 / 7:33 pm

    I’ve just stumbled across this post on twitter, and everything is so familiar although where you say you have out bursts anger/upset ect. I was the oppersit I held everything in until some days I’d be paralized from fear or something I can’t put my finger on. I never tried medication but over the last few months I looked into ‘the law of attraction’ this probably looks like some kind of crazy spam post now but you can find loads of information about it on pinterest. People use it for buisness gains and things like that but you can also use it as a positive mind set, It’s super hard some days too wake up and force yourself into a good mood but after a few weeks it sort of becomes natural. It’s hard to explain really, but it really helped me. I don’t know if it would be any help to you and although my social anxiety is still pretty bad it’s made me over all out look on life better.

    I hope you find something that works for you, your not alone,
    Jamie x

  4. Helen
    14/06/2015 / 4:39 pm

    Oh sweetie what an amazing post I completely and utterly understand what you are going through. Please do not fell that you are not strong because you are having to go back on medication, there is no shame in this, it is what they are there for. My view after suffering mental illness for the last 20 years is if there is something that is going to help me, be it prescribed medication or something else then give it to me, I want to be able to live my life and if medication helps me do that, then I am happy. Sufferers of mental health issues put so much pressures on ourselves for not coping, but why, we have a medical condition. Would we say we are not strong if we had broke our leg and took pain medication. I am glad you have arranged an appointment at the doctors I think this is an amazingly sensible decision. Take care of yourself. Helen x

    • 16/06/2015 / 12:04 am

      I am all for people getting their links out there, I share and promote other bloggers all the time but this is absolutely disgusting. I have just written a post about trauma, child abuse and mental health and you spam it with this nonsense? I hope you are ashamed of yourselves!

      • 17/06/2015 / 5:58 pm

        You say it girl! I hope you’re alright, I know how hard mental health can be and this is the last comment you want on here. :S

        BUT back to what this post is about. I have never known what it’s like to have withdrawal from medication, but I know how shit mental health is and how much it sucks and can take over you in no time.

        You’re incredibly brave to come out about this, I don’t talk about my mental health on my blog because I worry what people may think… So I take my hat off to you!

        I hope you’re feeling better a couple of days later and if not then I send you lots of hugs. You can do this, you can get through this. 🙂

  5. 20/06/2015 / 12:12 am

    This post really hit home with me. I’ve been in denial about my struggle with mental health for a long time and over the past two years since moving away from home and living in a not so brilliant environment, it’s really all come to a head. I think you’re brave to be so frank, I think every single thing you said I actually related to, and this will influence a lot of people without you realising to open up the same. I’m very good at putting on a happy front to others so when I have told people about how I’m feeling, they don’t seem to believe me, but it’s really important to go away and work on the issues to get back to your usual self. I really hope that things start to look up, I know its hard to think that way, as I can’t seem to think like that myself, but you just have to know that you will have support around you no matter what. x

  6. franklyflawless
    21/06/2015 / 9:44 am

    Do what you need to love and and get yourself to that happy place. It’s very brave of you to share this and I hope you get better soon. xx

    franklyflawless.com

  7. 04/11/2015 / 1:03 pm

    Hang in there and trust your doctor. I’ve come off my medication a few times, and each time I’ve had to admit that I’m better on it than off it, even if the side effects suck. I know this decision is not for everyone, but I feel like we would never tell a diabetic to stop their insulin, so why are we telling ourselves we can deal just fine without the antidepressants, etc? Even though this might be a mostly “invisible” illness, it should still be respected as an illness. Anyway, whatever decisions you make going forward, good luck and stay strong! You’ve got this far 🙂

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