I needed to share this so I hope you don’t mind these sorts of posts. I have sadly hit a wall with my mental health. Coming off of my medication in an attempt to start a healing process without tablets has been a lot more difficult than I ever anticipated and last night things came to a head and without going into a lot of detail I was in a very bad place. If I’m honest I am still there and feeling sick to my stomach, totally terrified and really really anxious (I mean heart pumping out of my chest anxious- I actually thought I was having a heart attack last night)
I feel a bit like I have fallen off the wagon, I take this whole getting ‘over’ mental health problems too heart and being a perfectionist is can make me feel like such a failure to have a sort of ‘relapse’ like this when I thought I was doing so well. Last night actually frightened me, it’s the first time I’ve felt completely out of control, like someone could have put a gun to my head and I wouldn’t have care at all. I am afraid, afraid I will never feel ‘normal’ or be capable of being loved or even being able to love someone else, I’m afraid I have wasted most of my life denying the trauma I have been through and now life is passing me by and some sort of punishment. Mostly I am afraid that I have let everyone around me down by not being stronger and getting through this.
Right now I am struggling with the idea I have just wasted a lot of money on a holiday I can’t even go on, along with the fact I’ve ruined 2 other peoples vacation too. I was actually meant to be going on a lovely holiday to
Las Vegas in a few weeks, it is all booked and paid for and I was really looking forward to it but as the days have got closer I have gone beyond ‘nervous’ about visiting a new place, I have been in a full scale panic, I can’t sleep, my stomach won’t settle and I have night terrors and sweats constantly. It would be a total of 6 plane rides as we would be stopping en route and visiting another city mid break and I just had to accept today that I can’t do this. I feel like the biggest arsehole on earth, an amazing trip planned- something that most people could only dream of and I’ve had to call and cancel and barely recover half the cost. Sometimes I can’t recognise the person I have become, timid and nervous- unable to interact with people properly, afraid to travel or be out of my house (this coming from a tourism graduate!) and I think that has shown in my blog. I advertised with Sprinkle of Glitter last month and she writes a little bio of each blog that does this on a post, under mine it said I had a ‘classic beauty blog’, a compliment to some people but it felt like a massive blow to me, I’ve let my blog go just like I’ve let myself go. It has become a manifestation of me, generic, bland and anonymous. (Just to be clear Louise is an absolute sweetheart and meant that in the nicest way but for me it was a wakeup call)
How can I talk about interesting things when right now I am not interested in anything other than crying and sleeping and then bingeing on crap before repeating the cycle again and again, night after night. Sleeping btw all day as I have chronic insomnia and can go days and nights without sleep at all before passing out at lunchtime for over 18 hours to repeat the process again. All in all I think it’s safe to say I’ve fallen off the healthy body healthy mind wagon and need some help. I have arranged an appointment with my Doctor and it fills me with shame that I’ve barely lasted a few months off the pills without having another break. Part of the reason I came off of them is because I gained a very large amount of weight (a common side effect) shallow? Maybe, but it was something that made me feel even worse about myself, as someone who has been sexually abused my relationship with my body is very complex and the way my body looked and felt (and still does) has had a damaging effect on my mental health, I feel like it isn’t mine, it’s alien to me, dirty and disgusting- a lot of the same thoughts I had after being abused.
I don’t know what the future of this blog is and tbh right now I don’t know how I will make it through this week. I do know it’s not the end for Ever in May though, it has been my one constant through all the trauma, the one thing I can escape to and call my own. I do think it’s the end of a ‘classic beauty blog’ though. I want to write about things I love (this still includes beauty though!), I want to experience things and enjoy life again and share that with you all. I just need some time to work out what those things are and to get myself to a ‘good place’ again.
I should say I have been diagnosed with PTSD along with severe anxiety, since coming off my medication I have been having bouts of mania, not remembering things like ordering hundreds of pounds worth of clothes online and feeling in myself that level beyond hyper or excited, I can feel that I am out of control and overly hyper and erratic but I can’t pull myself back. When this passes it’s replaced like a massive smack in the face with a crashing low, hours and hours of sobbing uncontrollably, wailing like a banshee and having screaming fits and terrible fits of rage (which are scary for both myself and the people around me) All the crying has left me with swollen irritated eyes, stonking headaches and racing thoughts which stop me sleeping or concentrating. My skin and nails are suffering, my body is tired and achey all the time, it truth I feel broken. Writing this has been really difficult, I’ve always found writing to be as easy for me as when an artist picks up a brush, that’s not bragging it just feels natural for me to write, but now I feel distracted, unsure of what word is coming next- it’s so frustrating!
I’m drawing a blank of how to finish this off so I will just say, I would really appreciate your support and hope you can understand why I needed to share. I haven’t planned to have a ‘break’ from the blog, I might feel like blogging tomorrow it might be six months from now. I am just going to go ahead and work on myself for a little bit and see where life takes me.